a happy place

i had a swim with my friends today.. water always calms me. people said, those who are born second in the siblings have the element of water, but i don't know wether it is true or not. when i get to know that, i think for a while, maybe it is true. i used to cry a lot when i was growing up and always have been liking the sea, pool or lake. i have this temptation to just walk in the rain while it is raining heavily and feel free to do it without the feeling of guilt if i catch a cold.

so as i swim today, doing laps, in my mind is this song by joshua radin-they bring me to you, because nowadays,it is a song that i really like and hear often. as i swim, i remember everything that ever happen to me that was bad. it was like i push it out of my soul for every stroke i take. it felt good. i was relief.

if people ask me, where is my happy place, it will be anywhere where i can just dive in and float myself.

someone used to teach me about a happy place. it is a place where u will feel save and that whatever bad happen, that place will make it go away. i always thought that the happy place is a place where your heart is, which is next to the person who loves you. but now, i have a different opinion. it is a place where you can find peace and relief.

everyday will be a day where something hazard happen, so when life gets tangled up, i'll just close my eyes imagine that i am in the pool, swimming through it. as one of my indonesian friend used to tell me "kita jalanin aja". living life to the fullest is what i am after. even when in my thought that death awaits.

a letter to the hateful person

It has been 8 months of me, hating u. for the hurt you have caused me and for the time i've wasted loving you when in fact u lie and betrayed me. the next words and sentence will not be about how i am hurt and how wrong you have been to me.

i'm going to say that, the road u and i go through was full of desperation and sorrow. i was immature and emotional that i don't use rationality when it comes to deal with you. when we started being friends, the first day we smsed each other, u are already telling me your problems. since that day, i've put in my mind that i'm going to help you with your problem. you were depressed and have a lot going on and the only person that u can confide in was me. it felt good being needed. i was really going to be just friends with you. but then, i make a really big mistake by falling in love with you.

at the time, we were always talking and confide with each other about everything and it felt good. that is when my head messed up everything and let the hearts win. i was suppose to be helping you with your deppression. i know i did, but i also put love into it.. which is wrong. i pull back after that. remember? i didn't want to be friends with you anymore because i was in love with you and you were with someone. u know how i felt that time, but u insisted of me staying. i stayed. i let myself loving you when it was very clear your heart was not with me. i wanted to make you happy. i wanted to change you and not be depress anymore.

there were days where i felt so useless and helpless because i was unable to make your deppression go away. if only i know what to say back then with the knowledge now that i have,it would be better for you. so here goes, what you believe is what make you think of yourself. when you said that you are worthless,unloved and with so many bad luck, it is all in your head and a belief that you yourself make so strong that cause you to live a miserable life. a belief that you yourself make become a reality. u can stop it. and only you can change what is in your mind and your belief towards yourself.

i was wrong too for messing up our friendship with my feelings.i should have just walk away. but i didn't and i regret it. i learn from it though. our journey and the pain make me who i am now. i'm grown to become this person who is going to catch her dream no matter what. thank u for believe in me.

i really hope you are well and not depress now. this i said truly from the bottom of my heart.

for the single ladies

its a wedding year for most of my school friends my batch. as i can see from fbs their wedding photos, their best romantic speech, i am happy :). but then, as a single lady at the age of 24, i can't stop myself from having the thought of "when will my time comes". so this entry is going to be dedicated to every single ladies who have the same thought as mine.

firstly, u are worth it. u might think that u are being single because u are not pretty enough,smart enough, fun enough, stylish enough, and the list goes on. trust me when i say this, u are the best u can be. and if u can't see past your weakness and look through your strength, then you are just going to be not enough for yourself.

secondly,each one of us is made a pair. its either we found him now, in this life, or later, in the afterlife. so we have to have this strong faith and redha.

thirdly, we can exist in this world without men. i'm not saying we don't need men, we do, it is fitrah manusia. but if we don't have them in our life now, never ever felt that u are weak or incomplete. because Allah will never test His servant with something the servant can't cope.

fourthly, never ever be with someone that u know is not good for you but u HAVE to be with him because u are afraid to be alone. its a big mistake trying to make your head thinks that the feeling will develop and u can put aside everything that is not good about him. i'm not asking u to be choosy, but then, u can make your own choice, its your life, but never ever make a choice out of fear. you will never be alone in this world as long as you have your faith, your family and your friends.

fifthly, we are living in this world now where there are more women than men, as it is already akhir zaman. so, if you are not married, don't even think about the word "andartu". what we should do then? pray and doa for Allah to give us a chance and bring our jodoh near to us, and may this jodoh is the best for us.

i'm not perfect, and i'm not saying it is easy me living this life. i have my own needs, and the desire to become a mother. but as someone used to tell me,God will not give us something that we want, but He will give us something that we need. we tend to overlook the things we need because we want something else so badly.

well, we also have to work for our jodoh. how to do it? make friends. open up yourself to a possibility that you will have someone in your life and be the best person you can be.

lastly,always believe in the timing of God.