depressing

maggie hangus was my nickname when i was in primary school. because my hair was curly like maggie and since its black, my friends decide to call me that.

my hair was my identity. there was once my mum's friend told my mum,if ever i was lost in the city, it will be easy to find me and recognise me as my mum's daughter because of my hair. its my identity that i am proud of, often when i was small, everytime i am in front of the mirror combing my long curly hair, i would tell myself, i'll be a very beautiful grown women one day..haha.so perasan of me that time.:P

i was eager to grow up since i was 12. that was when i get my first period. and never did i stop to think why would i want to grow up so fast. i was ready to buy make ups, put on handbags, and look older than my age, but i don't know why i did all that. all i know, i want to grow up fast.

12 years after..now, i look myself in the mirror and combing my hair, i have that flashback of myself with that thought 12 years ago..would i be proud of myself with what i achieve now????i'm not happy.

i am so far away from my family, miss all the moments seeing my little sisters and little brother grow up, my parents getting older, my nephew growing up to learn to speak and walk..i miss all that and i always regeret for having the thought of wanting to get away from my family 12 years ago.

i was immature back then, always been wild and wanting freedom from my parents. thats why i have that thought.

alone here, making all the wrong decisions. get myself in love with the biggest jerk ever, wasted 3 years loving him when it is not worth it. doing medicine here when i know, i'll get screwed over when i'm back in malaysia. why didn't i just do better the last time????

i'm at my lowest point right now and hoping to get up.